How to Talk with Your Children about Aging in Place

They say, “Home is where the heart is,” and yet, your home is also the place where so many incredible memories have been made with your family. That is one of many reasons why more than 90% of older adults say they want to "age in place" in the comfort of their own homes. It can be difficult to hear your children or loved ones say things like “It’s time to downsize” or “Wouldn’t you be more comfortable in a senior living community.” When your children begin to express concerns about you living at home, it is probably time to talk with them about aging in place.

Helping your children navigate how to become active participants in your caregiving will help foster peace of mind for everyone while ensuring your boundaries are maintained. While some children or friends may be aware that help is needed, others may be hesitant to get involved - whether because they are unwilling to acknowledge the changes happening or are unsure how to help. What you'll need from your loved ones will depend on your unique situation, but in this article, we are sharing some tips that may help you talk with your children about aging in place.

Always Set Boundaries

“Aging in place” represents the idea that people should be able to live independently in their own homes for as long as possible as they age. Because this is contingent on a person maintaining their independence, you need to set boundaries with your children to let them know what you want and what you don’t want. These are some boundaries you might set with your children:

• "I need some help picking up my groceries, but I still really enjoy cooking! You can help me go grocery shopping, but I would like to cook my own meals."
• "If I want to go on a walk outside the neighborhood, I will make sure I walk with someone, but I still enjoy walking the dog around the neighborhood alone."
• "I will hire a yard service to care for the lawn, but I want to continue maintaining my vegetable garden outside. To make sure I am safe, I will buy more supportive shoes and install a guardrail nearby."
• "I want to keep sleeping in my master bedroom upstairs, but I’d like help to install a seat-lift to make it easier for me to travel up the stairs."
• "You can come over after work to visit, but do not come on Tuesdays; that is when I host bridge club for my friends. Instead, I will call you when my friends leave."

All of these boundaries are firm, but they don't compromise your well-being or ignore your children's feelings. You have to express your reasonable needs and then explain what you will do to ensure you're safe. Continuing to feel safe in your home is important! Having loved ones to rely on to keep your life as routine as possible isn't a burden if you are able to work with them to make a plan that works for both of you.

Plan to Check in With Each Other

Be sure there is an open line of communication between you and your children. In addition, make sure that there is a clear expectation of when each party should expect a phone call or text message. Maybe the person you'd like to be your caregiver feels there needs to be a bigger commitment than what you expect. Setting a date or recurring time to call can help ease the expectations for both you and your loved one! Whatever works for you and your family, make sure that good communication habits are established. Here are some check-in expectations that might work for you:

• Set a routine to text your children in the morning and call them at night.
• Agree that before and after you drive somewhere, you will text or call your kids.
• Schedule a daily time to talk on the phone.
• If your child doesn't understand that there is a concern of falling in the shower, maybe say “I am a bit nervous I can slip in the shower. I’d like to be able to text you when I am going in and out. If you don’t hear from me in 30 minutes, then it would mean a lot if you checked in, but please don’t come over or assume something has gone wrong. I am just looking for someone to be aware.”

Remember that how often you have formal check-ins with your children will depend on your own comfort levels, their comfort levels, and your needs. Also, remember that the frequency of your check-ins might change over time.

Create Goals that You Can Achieve Together

Your house and overall lifestyle might become less practical as you age, but that doesn't mean you can't make adjustments to meet your changing needs. Talk to your children about certain projects you can do and steps you can take to make your lifestyle a little bit safer. They might alert you to safety concerns that should be addressed, and together, you can figure out a plan. Here are a few goals you can achieve with your children:

• Complete household projects: There are many home improvement projects you can do to make your home safer to navigate. These projects might also give your children peace of mind, especially if you live alone. For example, install brighter bulbs in your lamps at home so that you can see better when walking.
• Set a walking goal together: If you live nearby, plan a date with your children to walk together once a week. This can be a win for both of you! Having a way to get out and exercise promotes physical health and stability, gives your children peace of mind, and allows you to have positive bonding time.
• Make visible to-do lists: Aging in place is a team effort, so make a to-do list with your children. Post this list on the fridge or in another visible spot. This way, you — and your children — won't forget your commitments and projects at home.

Shared goals are a wonderful way to bring families together. Even if a child or loved one is hesitant towards becoming a caregiver, shared goals are critical and are something you create together.

Aging in Place is Possible with Silvertree

When you need your children to take a more active role as a caregiver, it can be difficult to start the conversation with them. We hope these tips have emboldened you to reach out to your kids about your fears, needs for support, and concerns. As you discuss aging in place with your children, let them know that the Silvertree Reach can help you all stay connected and safe as you maintain your much-needed independence.