The Feelings of Guilt That Come with Being a Care Partner and How to Forgive Yourself

Being a care partner is one of the most selfless roles one can undertake, but it often comes with a heavy emotional toll. Among the myriad of emotions, guilt is one of the most pervasive and difficult to manage. Understanding the roots of this guilt and learning to forgive oneself is crucial for the well-being of both the care partner and the person being cared for.

Understanding Caregiver Guilt

Caregiver guilt can manifest in various forms. It may stem from feeling that you are not doing enough despite dedicating countless hours to caring for your loved one. You might feel guilty for wanting a break or for feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or resentful. This guilt can be compounded by societal expectations and the often unrealistic standards we set for ourselves.

Common Sources of Caregiver Guilt:

• Feeling Inadequate: Despite your best efforts, you may feel that you are failing to provide the level of care your loved one deserves.
• Resentment and Frustration: It's natural to feel frustrated or resentful, but these feelings can lead to guilt, especially when society expects care partners to be endlessly patient and compassionate.
• Desire for Personal Time: Wanting time for yourself or feeling relieved when someone else takes over can induce guilt, making you question your dedication and love.
• Comparing to Others: Comparing yourself to other care partners who seem to manage better or provide more can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and guilt.

The Emotional Toll of Guilt

This guilt can be overwhelming and can significantly impact your mental and physical health. Chronic guilt can lead to isolation, stress, anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems like high blood pressure and weakened immune systems. It can also impair your ability to provide effective care, creating a cycle where guilt leads to poorer care, which in turn leads to more guilt.

Strategies for Forgiving Yourself

Forgiveness is a powerful tool that can help alleviate the burden of guilt. Here are some strategies to help you on this journey:

• Acknowledge Your Feelings: The first step in dealing with guilt is to acknowledge it. Accept that it's normal to feel this way and that these feelings do not diminish your dedication or love for your loved one.
• Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that you are human and have limitations. Setting realistic expectations for what you can achieve can help reduce feelings of inadequacy.
• Seek Support: Joining a support group or talking to a therapist can provide you with a safe space to express your feelings and gain perspective. Hearing from others in similar situations can also reassure you that you are not alone.
• Take Time for Yourself: Self-care is not selfish. Taking breaks and engaging in activities you enjoy can help recharge your emotional batteries, making you a more effective caregiver in the long run.
• Practice Breathing Awareness: Harvard Health recommends incorporating relaxation techniques, such as breath awareness and mind-body practices, to reduce stress. While lack of time and energy can make these activities seem impossible, some of these practices can take as little as 10 minutes a day!
• Make Time for Sleep: Balancing daily activities with caregiving activities can often lead to long daily To-Do Lists. Often, we sacrifice hours of sleep because of this. However, maintaining adequate sleep is key to preventing burnout as a caregiver. Harvard Health recommends building a daily 10-minute nighttime routine to achieve more restful sleep. Include your breathing exercises or yoga poses in this routine, or find a book that you enjoy reading. No matter your routine, protect your sleep and your own health.
• Find Your Motivation: Avoid resentment by reminding yourself why you have stepped into this caregiving role - find reasons to visit your loved one that aren't specific to your caregiving needs. If you have positive memories of playing cards or games with your loved one, make time to visit for a round of Rummy!
• Take One Day at a Time: Recognize that things can change from moment to moment and that it's okay not to have all the answers right this second.

Embracing Forgiveness

Forgiving yourself is not a one-time event but rather a continuous process. It requires patience and a shift in perspective. Remember that being a care partner is a demanding role, and feeling guilty does not mean you are failing. By acknowledging your feelings, seeking support, and practicing self-compassion, you can begin to alleviate the burden of guilt and embrace the positive aspects of your caregiving journey.

You are not alone in this journey, and it is okay to protect time for yourself. Forgiving yourself is a powerful step towards a healthier, more balanced approach to caregiving.

Reference: Lewine, H. Harvard Health Blog: Self- care for the caregiver. January 24, 2024. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/self-care-for-the-caregiver-2018101715003